What’s your name?
 Fawn.

How old are you?
I’m 18.

Do you go to school?
Not as of right now.

How long have you had eating disorders for?
About seven or more years.

What caused you to get eating disorders?
I was a little chubby in elementary school to about grade six. I got made fun of a lot and it made me really upset. I didn’t have any friends and was told it was because I was “fat”. In grade seven there was horrible things happening at home and I hated myself so much. I started cutting and stopped eating. I went down three pant sizes within a year. Grade eight I had a lot of friends and was a bit popular as you would say. Some more horrible things happened and I stopped eating as punishment even though none of it was my fault. I had two friends by the time grade nine came around. I was bullied and tormented. Starving wasn’t enough, so I started purging. I tried to commit suicide to end all this madness and was pulled out of school for the rest of the year. I came back thinner and thinner and tried to kill myself two more times. I just kept starving and purging hoping someone would save me. Now I’m here. Trying to recover and save myself.

What triggers you?
Anything can really trigger me. Seeing a skinny girl, reading the calories on food I just ate, looking at myself in the mirror, etc.

Are you in recovery?
I am trying my best to recover. I always relapse. I’m trying my best to get better.

Do you think anyone bigger than you is fat?
No. I don’t look at anyone and think, “Wow. He/she is fat.” I’m so obsessed with my weight and appearance that I don’t even really see anyone else. I don’t think anyone is fat, but me.

Does anyone know about your eating disorders?
People who read this blog, therapists I’ve had, and my boyfriend. 

Do your parents know?
I’ve tried to talk to my mother about it and she pushed me away because she’s too busy for me. I don’t speak to my father.

How do you stay thin? (something about wanting advise for eating disorders?)
Get out. Seriously. I stay thin because I am KILLING my body. I am seriously shortening my life and making it possible for myself to die in a few years. You DON’T want an eating disorder. They aren’t fun or glamorous! My teeth are so sensitive I can barely drink room temperature water from throwing up, my voice is deeper, I have long hair all over my body, my hair on my head is thin as paper and falls out in clumps, all I think about is food and finding a place to throw up, I can’t weigh myself without screaming, I can’t even look in the mirror without crying and wanting to kill myself. I’m killing myself. This is a horrible cycle. I’m begging you not to get into it. Just eat healthy and work out a little bit each day, don’t overdue it and don’t try to get results fast. Don’t do this to yourself. You deserve a good healthy life.

Do you think your friends know?
I don’t know. Probably not, they’re too selfish to care. They’ve never spoken to me about it, unless it’s about how stupid people with eating disorders are.

Do you have food rituals? 
Yes. Foods cannot be touching each other. I must read the labels and know what’s in it before I even dare touch it. I cut up everything really small and eat one bite at a time. I put my utensils down on the table after every bite and I have to chew everything 25 times before swallowing. Then I have to take a sip of water after I swallow.

Do you have foods you cannot eat?
Cake, meat, chips, Jello, and a few others. They will hit my lips and as soon as they touch my tongue, I will spit them right back out.

What’s your goal weight?
I don’t even know anymore. I just want to be skinny. Each goal weight is never small enough. 

How often do you purge?
I used to do it everyday. I do it every few days or so. Whenever I get anxious about what I’ve eaten and think about how fat I’m going to be now. 

Have you actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder?
Yes, many times.

Do you self harm?
My eating disorders are a form of self harm. I also rip out my hair, scratch myself with my nails, hit myself, and cut myself. 

How does your boyfriend feel about your eating disorder/self harm?
He hates it. He wants to help, but knows he can’t. He used to monitor what I eat and when I went to the bathroom. He’d wait outside the door and listen to me to make sure I wasn’t throwing up. He would make me take off my clothes so he could see if I had been scratching/cutting./burning. He felt like it was his fault for the longest time, until I finally got him to realize it’s not because of him. He gets really disappointed when I relapse, but he still helps me in the best way he can. He’s the only person to ever actually care about me and my monsters. It’s hard on him. He said it’s so hard to see someone he loves so much hate herself to such a degree.

What exactly are you diagnosed with? Did you self diagnose yourself?
I’ve been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, depersonalization disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, clinical depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and social anxiety.

I have never self diagnosed myself. I try to pretend I don’t have these disorders. I have been diagnosed with all of the above by over five different doctors/psychiatrists/etc. 

Do your disorders make simple tasks hard?
Extremely. Something as simple as going to the store is made almost impossible. It depends on the day and time and how I have felt all day. Some days are good days, and I am able to actually do things and leave the house, others are not. I once stayed home for over a month. I didn’t even leave the front gate. Can you imagine being afraid to leave your house for no good reason? It’s crazy, I know it is, but that’s how my mind works. I had to drop out of school and get my GED because I simply could not go to school. I would get panic attacks, vomit, and have episodes. One minute I can be fine and the next I’m laying on the floor crying my eyes out. One minute I’m telling my friend how much I love them and the next I’m telling them I never want to see their face again. I’ll just randomly become livid over something so little as not bein able to find a shirt. It’s awful and I’m doing my best to live with it. Nothing is ever, “simple” for me with these monsters.

http://iamanorexia.tumblr.com/ask

I answer all messages private unless you don’t have an ask box or you ask anonymously. 

It’s like I have no control over myself or realize what I’m doing.

I just come back from it and see vomit and the toilet and realize what I have done.

Recovery is one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through.

But I must keep going.